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Straight Eye for the Queer Guy · http://www.pulpracing.com/straight_eating.htm Straight Eye for a Queer Guy Cooking/Eating Tips Occasionally let food hang out of your mouth Don't cook phoofy food. Go to In-N-Out Burger and get a double double! Straight Eye for a Queer Guy Car Tips Make your car look as aggressive as possible Be seen driving supercars When not in aggressive cars or super cars, drive big studly vehicles · RADAR http://radar.smh.com.au/archives/2004/03/a_straight_eye.html A straight eye for the queer guyMarch 03, 2004 A quintessentially gay guy agrees to a masculine makeover. Carl Hammerschmidt reports. Ask the team from community TV show Blokesworld and they'll tell you: in this metrosexual world, the lives of Sydney men have become unbalanced. Sure, they've learned how to build attractive water features, shop for hand lotion and tell Wagyu fillet from Coles T-bone. But they've forgotten how to place a trifecta, what to tip a stripper and when to pick their noses. Blokesworld has made some headway re-educating men in the old ways on their Saturday night TV show (Channel 31). This week we asked them to lend their expertise to the gay world. Follow along as Blokesworld casts a straight eye over Sydney's queer guys to make over the world - one gay man at a time. These are the Radar Fab Five: four blokey blokes and one beauty queen, an elite team of straight people dedicated to extolling the virtues of "a roaring V8 engine, a good BBQ, a punt on the dogs and a bit of a perv on the way". Their mission is to transform a style-deficient and culture-deprived gay man, and through each of their areas of expertise - fashion, food and beer, interior design, grooming and culture - make him less Oxford Street, Darlinghurst, and more Oxford Street, St Marys. In charge of dress-sense is style-council worker Ado, a fashion savant who describes his own look as "Chopper Read meets David Boon". Ado believes there is no excuse for paying for ripped jeans - ever. Sorting out food and beer, we have Anton, whose biggest joy comes from visiting the local butcher and "stacking my freezer". Miss Blokesworld - aka Penthouse Pet Rachel James - takes charge of culture (film, music and power tools). Our grooming guru is Ben Wah, who knows the only time a man should use moisturiser is when he's applying it to his girlfriend. Finally, Scott "You-Me-Car-Park-Now" Bon advises on interior design, romance and fighting. Our subject is Andrew "Super" Mercado. When the Fab Five first found Andrew, he was a perfectly cosmopolitan gay man: a host on pay TV music Channel V and Music Max who lived in the eastern suburbs, listened to Kylie, compulsively watched soaps and believed every home needs fresh-cut flowers. He ate out at restaurants, took in all the film, music and theatre the city has to offer, and often travelled to Melbourne's Chapel Street to shop for clothes. In short, he was a mess. Through a series of multiple-choice questions and practical tests, the Fab Five set out to rekindle Andrew's inner bloke; get him to turn in cocktails and stainless-steel nightclubs for draught beer and tiled pubs, give him the confidence to fill in a betting form or use a cordless power drill, and provide him with a look that'll knock 'em dead at Summernats. THE ASSESSMENT The team starts with a quiz to determine the extent of Andrew's imbalance. Wah produces an engine part. "Tell me what I am holding and where it has come from on a vehicle," he says. Andrew: "It has an electrical circuit in it. Is it a spark plug?" Wah: "You're only a foot away. It's the distributor. Not a bad effort. You need to know about this because if you pop that in your pocket when you go to the pub, then no one's nicking your ride." Andrew is impressed. He has had a car stolen and promises to remember the tip. The team is optimistic. Ado hands Andrew a betting form. He is to pretend his mate has entrusted him with a Melbourne Cup bet. Andrew must place a box trifecta on horses 3, 11 and 12. "If it comes in, it is going to pay $140, so you better have the ticket filled out right," Wah says. Andrew starts off OK and works his way down the ticket before getting lost in the myriad boxes. Wah (disappointed): "Andrew, the horses have come in in a different order and you've only marked Andrew points out that none of his friends ever bet on the races. It's no wonder, Wah notes. THE COUNSEL STEP 1: FASHION At work, Andrew is sponsored by ultra-hip English clothing label Paul Smith, which, he says, helps him get over his obsession with shopping because he always has new gear hanging in his wardrobe. However, week-long "shopping orgies" in Melbourne are still his passion. It's an expensive hobby that has to go, according to Ado. "It's a disaster," he says. "He's wasting thousands of dollars on clothes when he could be spending it on the greyhounds." Has Andrew ever owned a pair of King Gee scoops? Much to the horror of the crew, Andrew has never heard of King Gee scoops. Ado explains they are a fashion icon - a pair of shorts unique for their ingenious pocket at the front of the leg designed to hold a pack of ciggies or a hanky. He suggests Andrew might find a pair at Lowes and that there are plenty of Lowes stores in Sydney, saving him a trip to Melbourne. There's a lot of work to be done. STEP 2: FOOD Andrew eats out a lot. He loves trying new restaurants. He is currently into "the new Vietnamese thing". All well and good, but what, asks food and beer expert Anton, would Andrew serve as an entree to impress his dinner guests? a) duck pancakes; b) sushi rolls; c) Chiko Rolls; or d) a six-pack. "The only things that would impress my friends are duck pancakes," says Andrew. "Do Chiko Rolls still exist?" ,i>Blokesworld can't believe Andrew has never been to the frozen section at the supermarket to grab a couple of boxes of Chiko Rolls. "I didn't think Chiko Rolls were an entree, I always thought they were a meal in themselves," says Andrew, trying to be clever. Anton shakes his head: "Only with a battered sav and a kransky." STEP 3: CULTURE Cheesy pop is what you'll find on Andrew's stereo. Madonna, Robbie Williams and the Cheeky Girls rock his world. Andrew says he also loves "a good drag show". In fact, for the past five years he has been involved in the Australian drag awards, the Divas. Miss Blokesworld is encouraged and suggests if he's into drag he should head to Eastern Creek Raceway to check out drag racer Brett Stevens over the standing quarter mile - or maybe even get down to Summernats. Andrew has never heard of Summernats. Miss Blokesworld patiently explains: "You're in the music industry, right? Imagine the Big Day Out, except with no bands, just Fords and Holdens." Andrew's eyes wander to a nearby TV, which is tuned to The Bold and the Beautiful. The team is working hard, but the patient seems to be slipping. "Well, then tell me which speed setting you would use with a drill bit," tests Miss Blokesworld. Andrew didn't know there were speed settings. He guesses setting three. Miss BW: "Wrong. Number one is a slow, powerful speed to use while you are screwing something in. Number two is a high-speed setting for drilling. Number three is a torque setting." Miss BW: "Well, mate, just don't tell anyone you heard it from a woman." STEP 4: GROOMING It can take Andrew up to half an hour to do his hair in the morning. Grooming guru Ben Wah is alarmed: "Are we talking hair product here?" Andrew: "Lots - a couple of applications." Wah: "There's your problem. Lose the product and you'll cut down your time by heaps. In fact, if you don't do your hair, you'll find it'll take you no time at all." Andrew is quizzed about what's involved in "looking your best": a) A facial and pedicure; b) A haircut and styling; c) Brushing your teeth; or d) Showering. Andrew says facials are a must because, as a TV host, he is forced to wear lots of make-up. The team looks sceptical. Wah says if a bloke working on roofing all day can do without facials, then Andrew can, too. Once again, he will save heaps of money to spend on more important things such as spare parts for his dirt bike, beer, Chiko Rolls and gambling. STEP 5: INTERIOR DESIGN To get a sense of his design style, Scott Bon asks Andrew where he gets his furniture: a) Over-priced second-hand stores in the inner city; b) David Jones; c) Freedom; or d) Council clean-ups in Double Bay. THE WASH-UP "I think we went well," Wah says. "We had a fair dinkum go at it, but some things take time. I mean, if we dropped him off in Gympie now, I'm not sure he'd get along - or home." "I am not changing my hygiene routine," Andrew insists. "And there is no way I am serving Chiko Rolls to my friends. But you have no idea how much better I am going to be able to use my drill. A little bit of my inner bloke has been channelled today." Ado (optimistically): "I think we have made a dent. At least he now knows what a distributor cap and a betting form look like. If you think of us as lifestyle panel beaters, we've hammered out a few areas that needed some work, which at the end of the day is all a bloke could ask for." + Blokesworld (www.blokesworld.com) is broadcast Saturdays on Channel 31 at 9.30pm and is repeated on Mondays at 11.30pm. See www.channel31.org + Andrew Mercado's new show, The Know, starts March 18 at 7pm on Foxtel's Music Max. See www.musicmax.com.au · MetroTimes Detroit's Weekly Alternative http://www.metrotimes.com/editorial/story.asp?id=5337 By now even you're tired of it. Despite the fact that "metrosexuality" - and ill-conceived term to denote the fey leanings of wealthier men embracing their vanity and their overnight bags - reaches nary an iota of the general populace outside of sushi-sick San Francisco and nightlife-nauseous New York, press pundits are bandying about the term as the new leak in the social order. You don't have to fuck like a homosexual to dress like one, and, yeah, pink is this year's white. Whatever. Spearheaded by Bravo's adventurous foray into upper-income product placement, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," the movement has hit middle America like a Lancôme tote with TWO compacts in it, sending even our Orlando Sentinel into a tizzy as they desperately grope for the next cultural zeitgeist. In reality, "metrosexuality" is soooo over (it has to be if we're talking about it), and the whole idea of straight men bending (over) for manicures, hair products and self-serving flirtation is probably just sheep's clothing for guys on the fence. Gay guys call these semi-straights "haveable" after the third Cosmopolitan. Rough trade. Said blurring lines bring a want for straight thought in this dizzied scribe. The idea of five men, each schooled in varying degrees of gayness, standing around a corn-fed belly in the interest of depilatory treatment to the torso and back, pangs like beer and Alka-Seltzer. When did these stereotypes and scripted SoHo cat-calls become expressions of healthy individuality? When did we all turn into Phyllis Diller? To find out, I, with some coaxing from the straight men who editorially stand above me, set out to find a new term of being. "Retrosexuality," we giggled, "it's the new 'metrosexuality,'" while I laughed to try to fit in ... and feared where this was all going. "Let's see if we can make you straight!" "Er, OK," my giggle slowed to a metronomic belch. As long as I can still take it up the ass. To accomplish this monumental fete, I had to first examine a few things about myself. Despite a propensity towards over-$15 dollar hair products and the stylists that sell them, I am a simple man. Seeing as this is not Broadway, and I have never been among the foot-shuffling fashion plates of the NYU art school piss-off, my attention to Wallpaper Magazine detail is both matte and meaningless. Besides, I used to sleep with girls, and I refuse to think that this whole gay thing was just an equal and opposite act to make the vaginal trail end. I do not spend my entire conversational life reacting to external stimuli and exfoliants, cackling here and there about "her" when "her" is clearly a "him." Although, I guess I sometimes do. Dammit. The trick here would be to court that part within that eludes both nature and nurture. If I was to be straight (seeming) than I would have to do things that straight (seeming) people do - total immersion without the cynicism my preference implies. To play the game, so to speak. And win. I can do this. The general understanding is that straight people only exist on weekends. Throughout the rest of the work week, they are invisible pawns in the machine, providing both professional and reproductive services to insure that everything remains normal. They work standard jobs that offer casual Fridays, drink coffee until 10, eat a sandwich with a soda at noon and watch Fox News upon arrival home, slowly dissipating into some heterosexual ether that allows them to sleep and then start all over again. That's true, right? So naturally I chose a Friday to begin my transformation. On Fridays I usually skip to video-bars for a round of slurred gay banter. This particular Friday, however, it was Houlihan's. Astute readers may detect some compromise there, seeing the obligatory gay link to the pop trivia of St. Elmo's Fire - that's where Demi and company went for Sunday brunch after a series of drug overdoses and lost jobs had them declaring their usual St. Elmo's too young. Very gay. To me, it seems natural. My usual St. Elmo's is too gay. Nervous but concealing it like any good straight guy, I sidle my way up to the bar, which is populated by the loosened collars and smart-skirt suits of Orlando's real-estate caste. Remarkably, if not predictably, a bar is a bar, gay or straight. Top shelf and bottom shelf exist hand-in-hand (me, I'm a top ... when I'm drinking), and bartenders pretend to care about just what it is you need to make you forget your miserable existence. The first step is to order a plebeian beer - something that ends in 'light' and has very little alcoholic influence. I don't want to lose my shtick after all. "A Bud Light," I gruff. "They're two for one," the bartendress winks. Awesome. Overhead, the televisions do not blare the latest doctored remixes from Dead or Alive or Cher (who is both dead and alive), but a combination of skewed news and sports fodder. I squint through the head of my hops, just trying to take it all in. This is going to be harder than I thought. Beer is gassy. Before arriving at this, my miserable evening's destiny, I surfed the web in search of a valid pick-up line. Pick-up lines are essential to both gay and straight people alike, to be sure, but seeing as gay people inhabit male and female dating idioms, it seems that the straight man's cliff-jump is far more severe. Gay men, after all, can look down when they masturbate later and still be satisfied that what they experienced is some form of valid pornography. Fortunately, I found the perfect line. Setting my sights on a woman both streaked and striking, outfitted in cute wares that may or may not have been purchased at The Limited, I make my case: "I know it sounds weird," I lower my voice, leaning into my thrice-wined victim, "but, um, there really is a party in my pants. And, while you might not think so, you really are invited." I try to act sheepish, like John Cusack might, as he (playing Lloyd Dobler) is a straight woman's dream. "It's not working," she calls me out. "More wine!" Hip tip: If you're going to hit on a girl, it helps to be straight. I decide to stay for dinner, as that is what a straight person might do. To satisfy the food portion of my as-yet unrealized transformation, I peruse the Houlihan's menu for something meaty, and possibly treated with testosterone. Much to my chagrin, even menus have been infected by the metrosexuality malaise, offering such delicacies as Asian Lettuce Wraps ($7.95) and Seared Rare Asian Tuna Bites ($7.29). I veer past the appetizers to the real meat and potatoes. A Down Home Pot Roast ($11.95) sounds very khaki, but not as Hooters as the Extra Meaty Baby Back BBQ Ribs (Full Slab, $15.99). I'm going to need an extra stomach. A straight one. Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow. On Saturdays, straight men become the hunter/gatherer yardwork demons that their wives sneak an under-the-sink nip of gin to appreciate. In order to acclimate myself, I take a trip to hardware haven, Lowes, hoping that somewhere within its many aisles of stoic wisdom I will find my inner straight adult. Peculiar thing, Lowes is. Instead of simply catering to the belly-sweat grumbles of men-with-projects, they too have bent the gender barriers in favor of pleasing the wives. Depending on your point of entry, Lowes can come off as either an angular, manly experience, or an "Oooh, wouldn't that be nice?" home for ninnies. Sadly, I choose to enter through the garden center, where a veritable Garden of Eden (butterfly wind chimes, succulents and orchids, oh my) cloud my purpose, resulting in a momentary lapse of straight reason. "Fantastic Pulls and Knobs," "Miles of Rope," "Stylish Locksets," "Tons of Nails," read the advertising placards as I enter the main building, anxiously wiping my brow. I want them all. I invite a straight companion (we all need one of those) to show me the ropes - not the hoses. "Are you a male screw?" he quizzes. "Or a female nut?" Stop flirting with me. Anyway, he goes on to school me on the heres and theres of hardware, taking pains to explain the differences between two-by-fours and four-by-fours, while expounding on the benefits of performance grade over pressure treats, etc. Then it's riding lawnmowers. Unforgivably, I'm sidetracked by the washers and dryers that sport glass openings on the front. Oh, Whirlpool. You bring out the Hazel in me. As we browse the power tools (pneumatic nailers, $95 to $379, and various routers, sanders and grinders), Celine Dion booms overhead with a plaintive, "Have you ever been in love?" Yes. Sniffle. Yes, I have. Hip Tip: Avoid Celine Dion at all costs. Which is hard, actually. Upon entering Buffalo Bill's gun store on Mills, I'm greeted with the very same Celine song, like some nagging wife (or gay man) making sure that I'll never find my inner straightness. In front of me hangs what must be the most desirable boy-toy since the Red Rider BB gun: The Sharp's Long Range Express ($2,395), a big gun of obvious historical significance, although history is oddly insignificant to me. I'm confused as to why this gun cost more than my car, until I realize that each are overpriced methods of killing myself. At Buffalo Bill's I learn that rifles are more accurate because they have "a groove," which is very gay. And I discover that shotguns can shoot slugs, but generally shoot buckshot. OK. There's a stuffed buffalo overhead, staring me down and knowing, clearly, that I do not belong here. But what I've really discovered is a secret, straight-man underground network. "My son needs dental work," droops a customer at the counter. "His teeth are more important than my hobby." He's selling some relic his dad probably passed down to him. How straight! The next customer offers a similar, if more obscured, explanation for his patronage. Seems this gunslinger's in need of a cool grand, only immediately, and is trying to sell what must be his grandfather's Winchester. Call it the straight man's heirloom conspiracy. I call it fascinating. Hip tip: Steal your father's gun. Get in debt for secret drug problem. Blame it on your kids. By Sunday I'm longing for the love of God, or whatever it is that keeps straight people happy. But the thought of actually attending church brings upon my straight self waves of nausea only atheists and men with nagging, devout wives would understand. So I choose to play the stoic husband and stay home ... drinking. One drink leads to another and everything becomes clear: We're not as different as we may seem. Life isn't a series of boot-cuts, baseball caps, ascots or capris. It's about getting drunk and realizing, like Celine Dion, that you have been in love, and that "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is just sociology for stupid people. Life is what you make it. Forever and ever, gay men. · TOPFIVE.com http://www.topfive.com/arcs/pk081203.shtml The Top 18 Things Heard on "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy" 17. "Okay, see that ticker on the bottom of the screen showing up-to-date sports scores? Never noticed that before, did ya?" 14. "For your face-care regimen, I'm switching you to a Norelco rechargeable shaver, followed by a splash of Old Spice. They're both primary sponsors of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Winston Cup car." 8. "First things first: Let's teach you the difference between dirty and unwearable." 3. "Never shave on a weekend, unless you're going to a wedding where you have a chance at nailing a bridesmaid." · ComedyAve.com http://www.comedyave.com/archive/102503.htm Comedy Ave's: Straight Eye For the Queer Guy! Kyan Douglas - Grooming Guru Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Mistook a 'R' for a 'K'? Whatever. Moving on. We know the show hypes you as the Blowinator, but if you ever plan to go undercover in Straightsville you'd better blow your own comb-over right back atop that head of yours. That droopy-soggy-mop look just ain't gonna cut it with the beer and peanut crowd.The other thing: Is there anything we can do about those lips of yours? I'm at a serious loss here. Let's face it, if your lips were on earth to send out a mating call to the entire cast of La Cage Au Follies, you'd be well served. But in this case, it's troublesome. I understand they have been etched that way for survival purposes, but maybe you could enroll in some Post Collagen De-Puckering class? (Consult Dyan Cannon.) As for your natural lotions and potions, chuck em'. Around here, real men use one thing - Right Guard. Keep going left and you'll never be "super" in a straight guy's eye. Ted Allen - Food and Wine Connoisseur Ted, you get props right off the bat. While you may not be ready for an all-out attack on the Hetero World - you'd fit nicely in at any independent film festival. From there to Straightsville is another production. One that, frankly, our budget can't handle - especially for a subject as dull as yourself. However, we will provide you with COMEDY AVE's Food and Wine Tip: Hot dogs, apple pie, and some good ole Boone's Farm. Need we say more? Okay, one thing. How would you feel about a little bribe to "off" Carson with some dastardly soufflé? Jai Rodriguez - Culture Vulture Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Mistook a 'y' for an 'i'? Whatever. Moving on. In the straight man's world, culture comes in four letters: ESPN. Watch it until you know the difference between LeBron and Bagaric (about 89 million), have an opinion on Pete Rose (crook), and are clear on the proper time to deliver the Stu Scott Call of the Wild: "boo-yah!" Jai, honey, don't jump to conclusions. It shouldn't be at a disco dance-off between your cast and Queer as Folk. And because we like to hedge our bets, we're placing our money on a queer. Thom Filicia - Design Doctor Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Are you actually on the show? Can't remember you from the furniture. Oh yeah, you're the guy who masturbates to an image of a Bed, Bath and Beyond store. You don't deserve more ink than that. You're boring. Be gone with you so we can smear the real queer. Carson Kressley - Fashion Savant Carson, Carson, Carson. You walking Cosmopolitan, you. Where does one begin to rip you a new asshole? Or is there even one left to be ripped? Low blow. But let's face it, trying to pin down your conquests would be harder than locating Iraqi WMD. Dude, the only way you'd be incognito at a straight affair is if you weren't born. That being said, what if, like, you wanted to infiltrate a baseball game, say, in Chicago? (Maybe you could pretend to be the bat inspector!) Now, that's something we can work with. We'd start by ditching that Hawaiian Luau tablecloth you're wearing and outfit you in a retro Cubs' jersey - preferably one with any number but 69 on it. Next, we don't usually recommend this for ANY man over thirty but, you would look so cool with a backwards baseball cap! Hint: it should be inscribed with the letter 'C'. Add some blue jeans, that don't require a fork-lift to get into, let the five-o'clock shadow roam, and voila, insta-stud! Lastly, when you're asked to rise and sing during the seventh-inning stretch, please, whatever you do, refrain from breaking into Abba's "Dancing Queen." Because, and this goes to all the FF: We do know you're here, and we do know you're queer. Bravo! Bravo! You can take a bow. Just don't drop the soap. · ScubaBoard http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=ae14e811d2d3c74b91a8bde7ea1a2655&p=552232#post552232 NDR: How do you rate in the straight eye for a queer guy exam? 1 The last time you went to a party you wore: a) A pair of $400 ripped jeans b) Leather pants c) Designer slacks d) Whatever was on the floor 2 What kind of milk do you keep in the fridge? a) Soy milk b) Skim milk c) Whole milk d) Expired milk 3 On Valentine's Day you: a) Were given new socks and underwear b) Were given a card c) Bought yourself a steak dinner d) Got abused by your ex 4 Looking your best would involve: a) A facial and a pedicure b) A haircut and styling c) Brushing your teeth d) Showering 5 The most expensive thing in my lounge is: a) My designer modular lounge b) My bean bag c) My 60-inch TV d) My car's fully dismantled engine All "A"s: Your style is as gay as a town fair. It takes lead weights to keep your loafers on the floor. All "B"s: You are metrosexual. Take a long, hard look at yourself. Try being less like David Beckham and more like David Boon. All "C"s: You are confused and can do better. Spend more time working out and less time watching Oprah. All "D"s: You are a balanced bloke. No work required here. Go straight to the pub. Adapted from the Sydney Morning Herald · theVoiceofReason.com http://www.thevoiceofreason.com/2003/no74/StraightEyeFortheQueerGuy.htm A gay guy gets a straight makeover. Gay men, fed up with the bright colors and too-much-sex of gaytownville, seek counseling from men who only wear checked shirts and have hairy backs. Our lifestyle makeover experts are Voice Counselor, Jim, Walking and Running Guru, Danny, dock worker, Grunt, Heavy Weights Lifter, Burt, and Ball Sports Guru, Mickey. Our experts help guide a different gay guy every week. Lessons include: how to talk deeper, how to strut like a boxer, and how to wear brown without embarrassment. In the first episode, 37 year old Sebastian seeks help to lower his screams by up to three octaves - how will he get on as our gurus help him to attain his dream of shopping for fabrics without screaming 'it's to die for?' · outuk http://www.outuk.com/index.html?http://www.outuk.com/content/features/queereye/ No, if Tom and I are going to be expected to know this stuff, we need to be the subjects of a special "Queer Eye For The Bear Guys" segment. For starters, the Fab Five need to convince us to stop using power tools to clean the grout in our kitchen tiles or that being fashionable means wearing a dark Hawaiian shirt after five. I also worry that as imitative as television is, that gaysploitation is just around the corner. Pretty soon we'll see shows like "Gays Of Our Lives," "Queer Factor" and "The Queen Of Queens." You won't be able to channel surf without going past a lesbian car repair show or "Everybody Loves Gayman." Eventually things will come full circle and there'll be "Straight Eye For The Queer Guy," during which five heteros will descend upon a stylish but hapless gay guy and teach him how not to titter when football commentators use terms like "tight end", "great ball control" and "Smith's got excellent penetration." They'll teach their gay charge the best places around the house to drop socks and underwear, why leaving the seat up saves energy, how to use the sniff test to tell if a shirt is still wearable, and most importantly, which jewellery is likely to result in oral sex. · The Minor Fall, The Major Lift http://www.popfactor.com/tmftml/archives/000464.html Straight Eye for the Queer Guy: "Dude, nobody needs three different kinds of moisturizer. And most of this lycra has to go." · Texas T-Bone http://tbone.redeaglespirit.com/archives/000829.html August 29, 2003 Straight Eye for the Queer Guy Did you see where Britney "Pickle" Spears and Christina Aggravate-ya kissed Madonna during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards? I don't know what the fuss is. Who hasn't kissed Madonna? Anyway ... Being gay (or acting gay, see previous paragraph) is so hot right now. Controversy swirling around the subject is a perpetually hot topic. Talking about gay marriage, gay priests and gay whatever stirs some deep inner feelings on both sides of the coin. But I'll avoid the hot-button issues and dive into the shallow water. It's Friday before a holiday weekend, after all. You may have seen or heard about this show. If you haven't, it features five homosexual men who give a "culture-deprived" straight guy a life makeover. That would include rearranging the poor sap's fashion sense, his living space and myriad other things he is apparently doing wrong. Ta-dah! Another metrosexual is born. The five stars of the show are fashion experts, but not simply because they are gay. In fact, I think sexual orientation has little to do with hipness. For example, there's a little dude in our office who is gay. He's worked here for years. His office is next to mine. Painfully nice guy. In my mind I call him the office-supply fairy - not as an insult - but because all you have to do is wish for something and he can find it. OSF: "Oh my, T-bone, you've rearranged your office." TT: "Yep. I wanted a change. You know, though, I'm going to have to get an extension cord for my computer. The plug's over here." OSF walks away, and three minutes later, I have an extension cord. TT: "Thanks, OSF! You know, I've kind of been craving a lemon meringue pie, the kind my mom used to make. That sure would be good!" OSF walks away, and an hour later, I have a fresh-baked pie. (I wish!) I like OSF and treat him with friendliness and respect, but sometimes I wonder how some straight talk could help his life ... Straight Eye Fashion Tips 1. Baseball caps and earrings don't really match in our book, but if you're gonna wear a hat, make it a trucker's hat with a bitchin' 18-wheeler rig on it. 2. Pink may be the new red, but that pink-and-turquoise shirt makes you look like a birthday cake. Tone it down a little, buster. 3. The sandals have to go here at work, too. Not a good look, buddy, even on casual day. Straight Eye Decor 1. Hey, any man can appreciate a muscle-bound, toned and oiled-up male bodybuilder. However, that big poster behind your desk here at work is freaking me out. 2. You like nicknacks. I respect that. But your desk is starting to look like grandma's living room. That clean, clutter-free modern look will help you get more work done and help unclog your mind. 3. I hate that clock with the birds on it that chirps every hour. When you're not looking, I'm going to use it for skeet. No hard feelings toward you. Straight Eye Lifestyle Tips 1. At least once a week, but usually more, some part of your car breaks down and you've got to take it to the mechanic. Hey man, I don't know how to fix my car by myself, either. The point is, your jalopy isn't worth the frustration. Buy a newer car. Make it a Honda. You'll be much more relaxed and spend less time fussing about your wheels. 2. You are losing weight, and that's cool! But it's by diet alone. I know you had a heart attack (way to go on not smoking anymore!), so maybe a moderate exercise regimen of walking - talk to your doctor first - will help make you feel even healthier. Maybe even a short spin on a bike a few times a week, too! 3. Don't spend so much time on your yard. You come in after a long weekend and you say that's all you did the whole time. Take some time for yourself. Ring up that friend you mentioned and have a nice dinner and a movie. The grass will wait. These tips just scratch the surface. I mean, if I enlisted the help of four other straight guys, we could have the OSF acting straighter than John Wayne at a tractor pull. Really, though, it's best to live and let live, and let each person be the individual he (or she) wants to be. I don't fear most changes, but when it comes to who I am, I'm partial to the me I am now. Took me about 30 years to get here, and although the Fashion Police do have a warrant for my arrest, I'm OK my sense of style.